Fundvogel

Or else they played Piff-Paff-Poultrie. She caught onto the game easily the first time they played.

“Good day Uncle Lecketeller,” said the youth with a deep bow. “I am Piff-Paff-Poultrie. Can I marry your daughter?”

“Thank you very much, Piff-Paff-Poultrie,” answered Fundvogel very seriously. If mother Schmutzeschuh, brother Huschefusch, sister Käsebraut and the pretty Katrina herself all agree, then you can marry her.”

“Where is mother Schmutzeschuh?” He asked.

“She is in the barn milking the cow!” She informed him in a singsong voice.

So Piff-Paff-Poultrie took his proposal to mother Schmutzeschuh and she sent him along to brother Huschefusch who was in the willow bushes. He was then sent to Sister Käsebraut who was in the potato patch. Piff-Paff-Poultrie went to all of them and made his proposal and then finally came to the pretty Katrina herself.

“Good day pretty Katrina,” Jan greeted her.

“Thank you very much Piff-Paff-Poultrie,” curtsied the child Andrea.

Then he asked if she would marry him, everyone else had consented, Uncle Leckteller in the coal bin, Mother Schmutzeschuh by the colored cow, brother Huschefusch in the willow bushes and sister Käsebraut in the potato patch.

Katrina knew then that everything was all right but she still wanted to know what he did for a living.

“Are you a brush binder?” She asked.

“No, they have too many children!”

“A clothes cutter?”

“They are always hungry!”

“Farmhand?”

“That is certainly not right!”

“Chimney Sweep?”

“A filthy job!”

Finally Jan explained that he was a drummer and smoked a long pipe.

“Piff-Paff-Poultrie!”

He needed to know what he would be receiving from her as a dowry.

“I have a gold quarter,” replied Katrina.

“And thirty pennies owed!” Piff-Paff-Poultrie sang.

But then she out trumped him.

“A thimble full of wine,
A cherished old plaster stone
Of a gnome she had found,
A hand full of pretzels
An old cat
A dead sparrow
A little reed basket
Filled full of lentils”

That decided him. They were excellently suited to each other and could put the lentils to very good use at the wedding. They sang together and he beat the drum keeping time.

“Lentils, they are the thing,
Pop them in the oven
Bake for six weeks
They stay hard as a bone!”

It was all set; they could get married in seven weeks. All the geese would be invited to the celebration and the goslings would be the bridesmaids. The gander Philipp would stand as godfather with his godchild as if she were his own. She wanted to call Jan, Piff-Paff-Poultrie, and she could be called Katrina or perhaps even Fundvogel. She hadn’t decided yet.

* *

*

They came back to Woyland as the evening sun was shining into the castle courtyard. Jan and the little girl Andrea came running in from the meadow laughing and holding hands. She took his hand gladly. It was entirely different than holding Katherine’s red lugs.

The youth suddenly put his hand over her mouth.

“Shh! Shh! Be quiet Fundvogel!”

He pulled her with him under grandmother’s window. Music rang out from it. They stood still and listened, not moving a finger.

“She is playing Bach,” said her cousin.

The little girl nodded. She didn’t understand, believed that grandmother was playing the brook, the dark brook, where her geese swam, the noise they made and their chatter. That is what she thought grandmother was playing on the organ.

But the youth said, “It is the ‘partita’. That means farewell and goodbye. ‘Partire’ is Latin for depart! I recognize it Fundvogel. She is playing it because my time is almost up, because I must soon leave Woyland.”

The little girl nodded. “Yes,” she said. “That is why she is playing it.”

She held his hand tightly. They stood together in the evening sun of the quiet courtyard of Woyland, listening, listening.

* *

*
On the next holiday Jan tried to give her swimming lessons. He had blue swimming trunks and commanded Katherine to make her a pair as well. Katherine made her a swimsuit out of an old red and yellow polka dotted blouse but it was so huge that you could fit two Andrea’s into it, one in each leg.

That didn’t matter, Katherine thought. She would grow into it. In the meantime, she needed to go without a swimsuit.

Andrea was afraid and wouldn’t go any deeper into the water than up to her ankles. The youth pushed and pulled at her but couldn’t bring her in any further than up to her knees before she tore herself free and ran out of the water screaming.

He splashed her and scolded her saying that she was dumb as a potato or a cucumber, she could take her pick. She should be ashamed of herself in front of the little goslings. They could swim as soon as they were hatched.

She was ashamed but that didn’t help much. It went on like that for almost a week before she dared venture back into the water at the brook. That remained the high point. Any further attempts to show her the movements were useless.

One day he explained that he wanted to catch leeches with her. It was something different that they hadn’t done yet. He knew of a putrid brown pond that was full of them. He led her there and had her go in only a little way, then a little more. He stayed quietly on the bank and watched.

She felt no pain and stood there in the dirty water cooking in the hot sun. The water was wonderfully warm so she got up her courage and went deeper into it until only her head peeked out.

He told her that she needed to stand very still and to keep her occupied suggested they play Piff-Paff-Poultrie. She was always ready to play that and they played it together three times, one after the other. The little girl was so into the game that she didn’t notice at all when the things bit her.

Finally he decided it had been long enough and she could come out. She came all right but how she came! The yellow and brown muck ran down off her and she was covered with leeches. Her horrified eyes opened wide, staring so hard she couldn’t even scream.

The cousin applauded in amusement, laughed in delight, praised her very highly and said there was no better bait for leeches in the entire world than Fundvogel! That calmed her down. He told her it didn’t matter how dirty she was because she only needed to run back over to the brook where her clothes were laying. She could wash herself clean there and they would take the leeches off. They would be rich; such nice leeches would certainly bring good money!

If only he had a can or cardboard box to put them in! He didn’t have anything except his own swimsuit. He took it off, pulled the waist string out and tied off the legs making a sack that he could put the beauties in.

Now it was time to pluck the dainty grape like things off, first the large fat swollen ones hanging in the middle of her belly. He broke off a small willow tree branch and tried to scrape them off. It didn’t work. He didn’t like touching the disgusting things with his fingers.

The leech thought nothing of the stick, didn’t let go. It sucked and sucked, nothing had tasted so good in its entire life!

Andrea watched, her face growing longer and longer all the time. Silent tears came into her gray eyes, ran down her back.

Jan threw the stick away, got up his courage, grabbed the leech with three fingers and pulled but the animal would not let go. It hurt and Andrea screamed.

“Wait,” he cried. “I will pull it loose!”

He grabbed onto it very hard with his entire hand and ripped it off. Blood was instantly streaming. He was terrified. The strain was too much for the little girl and she lost it screaming convulsively, howling wildly and bellowing.

“Be quiet Fundvogel!” He admonished. But it didn’t go well for him. Desperately he ripped two more leeches off her left leg. The blood streamed brightly, mixing its red in with the brown and yellow muck. She looked like an Indian, he thought. An Indian on the warpath and she bellowed like one too!

Then Philipp tore up to them. Oh yes, Philipp knew very well how she screamed when she was in danger. The little girl saw him storming to her rescue like a vengeful bronze angel.

“Philipp,” she lamented. “Oh Philipp!”

The gander was right by her now, he hissed at the youth. Was he the enemy? Then he hesitated, flapped his wings, bowed his neck, eyed her and sniffed. Leeches? He despaired of every understanding these human folk. Is that why she was screaming and yelling? He would take care of that right away. His bill shot out like lighting, then back, then out again. In no time he had caught and swallowed two of them.

Only, the hard pecking of a gander’s bill, even when well intentioned, is not very pleasant for a five year old dog naked girl. She ran off screaming to high heaven, running through the meadow with Philipp and his flock in pursuit.

The youth stood there with a dumb look on his face not knowing what to do. Then he ran after them. Dear God, that powerful gander would peck the little thing to death! Now he was screaming too.

The chase went through the park, over the drawbridge and right up to the castle door screaming, honking and making noise. All the servants ran out to them. Grandmother stood there by her horse. She had just came back from her ride. The poor hunted naked thing ran straight into her arms.

“Now what’s going on?” She asked.

“Leeches,” howled the little girl.

The Duchess looked at the mess. “Take her with you,” she commanded Katherine. “Carefully put salt on the leeches to get rid of them. Then wash the child and put her to bed.”

She turned around to the naked youth.

“You have some explaining to do!”

He obeyed, gasping for breath. “I had Fundvogel go naked into the pond as bait for leeches. She was very good at it and caught a lot of them, but it is really hard to rip them off. It bleeds.”

Grandmother laughed. Then she grabbed him by the hair and dragged him with over to the bronze stags by the drawbridge. She raised him high and laid him over one of them. Then she swung the riding whip to her heart’s content.

The youth knew that if he cried out it would be double so he bit his lip instead until it bled. He saw green and yellow spots before his eyes, would she never stop?

She pulled him down from the stag, stood him up, shook him by the shoulders.

“Do you know why you just got a thrashing?” She asked.

He pulled himself together. “Yes,” he said. “Because I used Fundvogel as bait for leeches.”

“No,” said grandmother. “That’s not why at all! It’s because you didn’t know that you needed salt to get them loose!”

She waved old Griet over. “Take the young gentleman to bed. He can’t very well sit at the table tonight. He doesn’t get any supper either.”

The limping maid wanted to put in a good word, “Duchess…”

Grandmother interrupted her, “Quiet Griet! Give the young gentleman a glass of water and nothing else.”

The limping old maid took him by the arm and led him to his room, took some oil and rubbed it over his welts and laid him in bed. He had to lay on his belly cramming his fingers into the pillow and biting it with his teeth. There was no place on his backside that didn’t hurt. There were stripes from his neck down to the hollows of his knees. He moaned and sobbed from the pain.

Then he slept.

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